By Kate Munden, TRE therapist >
Family is meant to be a source of love, support, and belonging. But what happens when one of the most significant relationships in your life leaves you feeling drained, confused, or deeply hurt? If you’ve found yourself dreading family gatherings or questioning your own perceptions after interactions with a certain family member, you may be dealing with covert narcissistic abuse.
Recognising that someone in your family might be a covert narcissist is a profoundly unsettling realisation. It’s not just the pain of their behaviour—it’s the disorienting fog they create, the self-doubt they instil, and the guilt they use to keep you trapped in a cycle of emotional turmoil.
This blog is here to guide you with compassion and clarity, offering a safe space to explore what it means to have a covert narcissist in your family, how their behaviour manifests, and how you can begin to reclaim your emotional well-being.
What Is a Covert Narcissist?
A covert narcissist doesn’t fit the stereotypical image of a narcissist who seeks attention and admiration loudly and obviously. Instead, their need for control, validation, and dominance is hidden behind a façade of humility, helpfulness, or even victimhood. They are masters of manipulation, using subtle tactics to undermine your confidence and keep you emotionally entangled.
In a family setting, they might present as the “quiet martyr,” the “misunderstood sibling,” or the “parent who sacrificed everything for you.” Their behaviours can seem harmless or even kind at first glance, but over time, the emotional impact becomes undeniable.
How Covert Narcissistic Behaviour Shows Up
- Subtle Criticism Disguised as Concern
Covert narcissists often deliver veiled insults under the guise of being helpful. Their words might seem caring to an outsider, but they leave you feeling small and inadequate.
Example: “I just want to make sure you’re okay. You’ve seemed really stressed lately—it’s not like you to let things slip.” - Emotional Withholding
Instead of confronting issues directly, covert narcissists use silence and withdrawal as tools of punishment. This passive-aggressive behaviour can make you feel invisible and desperate for resolution.
Example: After a disagreement, they might refuse to speak to you for days, leaving you to wonder what you did wrong. - The Perpetual Victim
Covert narcissists excel at casting themselves as the victim, no matter the situation. They twist events to make themselves appear wronged, garnering sympathy and redirecting attention away from their harmful behaviour.
Example: At family gatherings, they might say, “It’s fine. I’m used to being overlooked,” ensuring the focus shifts to them. - Sabotaging Special Moments
Whether it’s a holiday, birthday, or celebration, covert narcissists often create tension to shift the spotlight or ensure that others don’t fully enjoy the moment.
Example: They might arrive late to Christmas dinner, making a scene about how much they’ve sacrificed to be there, souring the mood for everyone else. - Triangulation
Covert narcissists often manipulate relationships within the family by spreading half-truths or pitting people against each other. This keeps them at the centre of attention while creating discord around them.
Example: They might say, “I didn’t want to tell you, but your brother said you’re not helping enough with Mum,” planting seeds of mistrust.
Why Is It So Hard to Recognise?
Recognising a covert narcissist in your family can feel like untangling an impossibly knotted thread. Their behaviour is subtle, insidious, and often wrapped in a veneer of charm or care. Unlike overt narcissists, who are openly grandiose or domineering, covert narcissists use more passive, indirect tactics that leave you doubting your own perceptions.
One of the key reasons it’s so difficult to identify a covert narcissist is their mastery of subtle gaslighting. Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic designed to make you question your reality. For example, they might deny events you clearly remember, twist your words, or subtly imply that your feelings are irrational. Over time, this constant erosion of your confidence creates a deep sense of confusion and self-doubt. You may find yourself thinking, Am I overreacting? Did I imagine that? Maybe I’m the problem.
Compounding this is the phenomenon of cognitive dissonance, which occurs when your brain struggles to reconcile conflicting beliefs or experiences. On one hand, this person is a family member—someone you’ve been taught to love, trust, and respect. On the other hand, their actions are hurtful, manipulative, and demeaning. Your mind tries to resolve this conflict by rationalising their behaviour: Maybe they didn’t mean it that way. They’re under stress. They love me—they just don’t know how to show it.
This internal tug-of-war keeps you trapped in a cycle of doubt and denial. You may cling to the occasional moments of kindness or affection they show, using them to justify or minimise the harm they cause. These fleeting good moments can feel like proof that they’re not really abusive, making it even harder to see the full picture.
Adding to the confusion is their ability to maintain a perfect façade in public. Covert narcissists are often well-liked by others, presenting themselves as generous, empathetic, or even self-sacrificing. This stark contrast between their public persona and private behaviour can make you feel isolated and invalidated. When others praise them, it reinforces your self-doubt: If everyone else thinks they’re wonderful, maybe I’m the problem.
This emotional and mental confusion is by design. Covert narcissists thrive on keeping you off balance, unsure of your perceptions, and hesitant to set boundaries. Recognising the pattern is the first step to breaking free, but it’s also one of the hardest steps to take.
It’s important to remember that your confusion isn’t a sign of weakness or failure—it’s a natural response to sustained manipulation. The clarity you seek will come, but it requires patience, self-compassion, and, often, external support from someone who understands narcissistic abuse.
How It Feels to Have a Covert Narcissist in the Family
Having a covert narcissist in your family doesn’t just affect your emotions—it impacts your entire being. It’s not uncommon to experience a persistent sense of unease, as if something is fundamentally wrong, even when you can’t quite pinpoint what.
- Exhaustion: You may feel physically and emotionally drained, as though every interaction requires navigating a minefield. Your body might carry this exhaustion in the form of chronic tension, headaches, or digestive issues.
- Self-Doubt: Their manipulative tactics leave you questioning your memories, perceptions, and feelings. You might replay conversations in your head, wondering if you overreacted or misunderstood.
- Shame: Covert narcissists have a way of making you feel inherently flawed. They may never explicitly say it, but their subtle digs, emotional withholding, or blame-shifting create an undercurrent of shame that lodges deeply in your nervous system. This shame can manifest as a freeze response, leaving you feeling stuck or unable to advocate for yourself.
- Hypervigilance: You might feel on edge, always bracing for the next subtle jab or emotional ambush. This constant state of alertness is taxing, keeping your body in a heightened state of stress.
- Isolation: Covert narcissists often manipulate relationships, making it difficult for you to trust others or feel understood. This isolation amplifies feelings of loneliness and hopelessness.
Understanding these physical and emotional responses is a crucial part of the healing process. They are not signs of weakness—they are your body’s natural reaction to sustained emotional harm.
Compassionate Steps Forward
Healing from covert narcissistic abuse is neither linear nor simple. It’s a journey that requires patience, self-compassion, and the willingness to reconnect with yourself after years of emotional manipulation. Here are some deeper, more nuanced steps to consider:
- Recognise and Honour Your Experience
o Begin by validating your feelings and experiences. It’s not “all in your head,” and you’re not overreacting. What you’ve been through is real, and the impact it’s had on you matters. Give yourself permission to feel everything—grief, anger, confusion—without judgment. - Understand Shame as a Response, Not a Truth
o The shame you feel isn’t a reflection of your worth; it’s a learned response to manipulation. Covert narcissists excel at making you feel “less than” because it keeps you controllable. Begin to separate their narrative from your truth. - Pause Before Reacting
o One of the most empowering tools in dealing with a covert narcissist is reclaiming your space to respond. Their tactics are designed to provoke immediate emotional reactions. Practise taking a breath or a pause before replying to cruel questions or manipulative statements. Silence can be a powerful boundary, signalling that you won’t engage on their terms. - Set Boundaries That Prioritise Your Well-Being
o Boundaries aren’t just about saying “no”; they’re about defining what you will and won’t tolerate. This might mean limiting contact, creating physical or emotional distance, or even disengaging entirely from their provocations. Techniques like the Grey Rock method—remaining neutral and unreactive—can help you protect your energy without escalating conflict. - Reconnect with Your Body
o Covert narcissistic abuse disconnects you from your body’s signals, leaving you stuck in cycles of anxiety or shutdown. Gentle practices like yoga, mindful breathing, or even a walk in nature can help you begin to rebuild this connection. The more attuned you are to your physical sensations, the easier it becomes to recognise when you’re being triggered—and to respond with self-care instead of self-criticism. Embodiment practices, such as TRE (Tension and Trauma Releasing Exercises) can help release deeply held patterns from the body. - Seek Meaningful Support
o Recovery doesn’t happen in isolation. Finding a therapist who understands narcissistic abuse or joining a support group can provide the validation and guidance you need. Sometimes, just hearing “I see you, and you’re not alone” is enough to begin easing the weight you’ve been carrying. - Be Gentle with Yourself
o Healing is a process, not a destination. There will be days when you feel strong and others when the pain feels overwhelming. Both are part of the journey. Treat yourself with the same kindness and compassion you would offer a dear friend.
If you’ve just endured a painful experience with a covert narcissist, know that it’s okay to feel disoriented, angry, or even hopeless. These feelings are part of your body’s natural response to the abuse you’ve endured. But you don’t have to stay in this place.
