By Kate Munden, TRE therapist >

Covert emotional abuse is a form of manipulation that leaves no visible scars but can be profoundly damaging. This insidious form of abuse often leaves victims confused, ashamed, and questioning their reality. Covert narcissists, who often target intelligent, caring, and warm-hearted individuals, use subtle tactics to control and undermine their victims.

Recognising the Signs

Do you feel like you are always on edge around your partner or family member, never sure what might trigger their anger? Do you find yourself constantly striving to please them, yet it never seems to be enough? If you feel like you are losing your sense of self and that this person is controlling every aspect of your life, you may be experiencing covert emotional abuse.

Here are some common feelings and experiences that may indicate you are in a relationship with a covert narcissist:

  • Walking on Eggshells: Constantly worried about triggering an explosive reaction.
  • Endless Giving: No matter how much you give, it is never enough to satisfy your partner.
  • Loss of Self: Feeling like you are losing your identity and autonomy.
  • Projection: Your partner projects their flaws and insecurities onto you, making you feel at fault.
  • Lack of Reciprocity: Constantly giving without receiving the love, appreciation, and support you need.
  • Constant Anxiety: Living in a state of fear and uncertainty, never knowing when your partner will lash out.
  • Severe Exhaustion: Are you always tired? Or more seriously experiencing deep fatigue and chronic illness symptoms.

The Impact of Covert Abuse

Victims of covert abuse can have successful careers, supportive friends, and stable incomes. Yet, they may find it difficult to acknowledge their experiences due to the overwhelming shock, confusion, and shame. 

In the UK, 83% of partner abuse cases go unreported, according to the latest Crime Survey. Many victims do not realise they are experiencing abuse and mistakenly blame themselves for the problems in their relationship.

Covert abuse, such as gaslighting, can devastate one’s sense of self and physical well-being, often leading to depression and post-traumatic stress symptoms. Here are some examples of what covert abuse might look like:

  • Undermining Interests: Putting down what is important to you.
  • Criticising Loved Ones: Making negative comments about your friends and family.
  • Sabotaging Events: Ruining or being absent at important occasions.
  • Ignoring You: Dismissing or ignoring you when you speak.
  • Hurtful Jokes: Making you the target of mean-spirited jokes.
  • Micromanagement: Controlling every aspect of your life.
  • Ruining Special Events: Birthdays, holidays, anniversaries are ignored or derailed
  • Property Damage: Ruining your belongings under the guise of accidents.
  • Public Humiliation: Failing to support you in public or making disparaging remarks.

Emotional and Physical Consequences

If you feel isolated, confused, drained, powerless, and joyless, you may be experiencing emotional abuse. 

Victims often feel controlled, disparaged, punished, ridiculed, and criticised. Living in fear of intense rage or criticism can make you feel like you are constantly walking on eggshells.

Covert narcissists use cruel, barbed comments wrapped in ‘jokes’ to humiliate you publicly. They might call you insulting pet names or make you feel uncomfortable in various ways. This constant need to please and avoid conflict can lead to exhaustion, confusion, and misery.

The chronic stress of emotional abuse can also have severe physical effects. Many victims suffer from autoimmune dysfunction or chronic pain, likely due to prolonged exposure to stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline. This stress causes inflammation and can lead to severe health issues, including immune system dysfunction.

Healing and Recovery

Recovery is a journey. It involves recognising that the behaviour is abuse, which in itself is often a painful awakening. Then it is important to seek safe, informed, specialist support to repair and solidly rebuild emotionally and physically. 

There are core stages to recovery moving through despair to understanding then setting new boundaries and factoring in regular, informed self-care.

An important part of the healing journey will also be physical. Many people find that exercise is their saviour during recovery. In addition learning to regulate your nervous system, perhaps for the first time if the abuser is a close family member is vital to regain strength. Polyvagal informed practices such as Trauma Release Exercises (TRE) can help raise vagal tone again and help your body recover from the long-term effects of the trauma of hidden, insidious abuse.

If you suspect you are experiencing covert emotional abuse, trust your feelings and seek help from trusted resources. Remember, your experiences are valid, and you deserve to live a joyful life free from manipulation and control.

Kate Munden – Emotional Abuse Recovery Specialist